What made me so angry today? Was it the ability to see pattern in my behaviour, or was it that I could see that ‘certain things keep repeating in my life till I agree and learn to accept the lesson from the universe’. Or maybe it is just a phase as the Mercury is retro gating in the sky and this will soon be over after 23 days. Aha, too much of self-knowledge, this is killing me.
Whatever this may be? I feel that I need to learn few lessons in my life and I am a very slow learner. Just now I vented out my frustration on facebook by discussing my problem with someone whom I barely know. I guess talking to stranger was really easy.
But I am still sad, because I have still not vented out my real problem. Something that keeps coming back to me. Oh God, when will I learn? Will this learning happen in this lifetime? I am becoming so desperate for things, the things which I am not sure of in my life. This is affecting my sense of honour. Oh man! This is really annoying.
I wrote the above piece two days back, when I was in a very destabilizing mood. I reread my thoughts and I realize that when I re read this I was still struck on my problems in life. I could see since I am able to see a pattern in my behaviour, I saw each time I performed better on lower phases than the previous one.
Wow this is a hope to me. This is time I walked out of a frustrating situation (a situation where one feels really helpless and desperate in life) but I did not say anything harsh nor did I make any remarks which were objectionable. I had a major burst of emotions deep inside, which I suppose someone could see and wanted to take advantage of the situation. It was just a funny thing for all the people around. I walked out from there in most dignified way and took my time to think and analyse my behaviour.
The first part was to put my immediate thoughts immediately. The part of the plan was to revisit this emotional drama again, which I did just now. Yes, journaling and revisiting you emotional problems are the best way to keep oneself on his best behaviour without hurting the self.
The only important reflection for me here is that I need to nurture and give importance to myself over others. .I thought of one place in my life where I didn't feel guilty and I feel very free!!! I realized I feel more comfortable being myself. The moment I try to fit in someone else's environment/space I get into deep trouble and feel guilty to myself. I guess I am one who is very comfortable being in one’s own skin and gets inspired from small things in life.
“I think I’m a weird combination of deeply introverted and very daring. I can feel both those things working.”
Helen Hunt
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